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 نسخه قابل دریافت به فرمت MS -Word 97- 2003

Written by : zabanamooz

What are some important qualities of a good manger or boss?

We usually don’t have the fate to choose our boss, but if there were a chance to select, what would be the most important qualities of a good manager? I sincerely believe that the ideal supervisor would be a person who is able to demonstrate the combination of deep professional knowledge and extraordinary interpersonal abilities.[S1] 

To me, a good manger is a [S2] not only a person who has the knack of select [S3] the best motivated employees for his working [S4] atmosphere, but also [S5] is able to supervise them in all aspects based on his deep knowledge in a particular field or his work experience in such a way that his tactical acumen and discretionary decision making at the right time plays a big [S6] role in the success of his company[S7] . Besides, there are other qualities which can be summarized as personal interactions[S8] . Seeing that everyone expects to be treated with respects [S9] as a real person [S10] not only as a productivity factor or manpower, therefore [S11] being polite and courteous is an essential characteristic of a manger. Similarly, supervisors are expected to be patient and maintain their composure all times, to absorb the tension arising from unexpected and inevitable problems and control the resulting damages. Moreover, being brave enough to take the responsibility in the event of mishaps and prepared to accept mistakes are another golden key for a good supervision[S12] . To encourage subordinates to come forward with their novel proposals and reveal their undetected talents [S13] a good superior [S14] must behave cooperatively rather than authorative[S15] . Regardless [S16] the fact that in the course of team works [S17] [S18] occasionally [S19] there are some conflict of interests  among the [S20] workers, a good director is a person who treats the staffs [S21] impartially to make them get along with one another well and work hard towards organization’s objectives.

In short, the ideal supervisor is always rated according to his qualities which cannot be easily summarized as every person is unique, but he could [S22] be good in the eyes of his subordinates if not only does his job well but also does[S23]  not be rude to them.

 Note 1: Parallelism:http://www.bartleby.com/64/2.html

Note 2: I think what you have written sounds a little strange. I think it is not correct. You should follow English grammar in your writings. It is better to ask your teacher (a reliable teacher I mean). I think you are wrong.

Revised one: In short, the ideal supervisor is always rated according to his qualities which cannot be easily summarized as every person is unique, but he can [S24] be good in the eyes of his subordinates if not only does he do his job well but he also is polite [S25] to them.

Dear Pegah,

 Regarding paragraphing, you did not organize your essay in the paragraphs which talk about one of those two reasons I have made underlined. You could discuss each of them in one paragraph starting with a topic sentence. Indeed, you categorized your ideas in your introductory paragraph very well, but you did not develop them in a strong organization then. Also, you could talk about managerial skills which a boss should possess, enabling him/her to lead a professional group. Actually, I believe that you could write better in the term of organization.

 Finally, I really enjoyed reading your writing. To be frank, I have learned a good point from that. Thank you for the point. I never forget it. If you need my comments to be explained, send an email and ask me.

Good luck-Nima734

 

[S1]Very Good Introductory Para. Absolutely 8 until now. [S2]“a” is extra. [S3]Wrong word. …the selection of the … [S4]Wrong word. Work, itself, is noun. Work atmosphere. Work place. [S5]Wrong place. …but is also able… [S6]Use “an important”, “ an undeniable”, “ a considerable” instead of “big” [S7]Too long. Difficult to read.  [S8]Redundancy. Extra sentence. Instead of it, you can start with a beautiful connector and tell another quality. [S9]“respect” is uncountable”. Respect is correct. [S10] Human being” is better. [S11]Semi-colon instead of comma. There are two forms: 1- …  ; therefore , …2- …  . Therefore , … [S12]Supervisor, manager, boss, chief, leader … [S13]Comma [S14]Wrong Word. Superior is Adj. you need noun. [S15]Wrong word! This word does not exist in English at all. Show me in a dictionary, and then, debit a sum to me one night dinner. [S16]“Regardless of Sth." [S17]Work.refer to dic.Put a [S18] Comma  [S19]   Put a comma. [S20]extra [S21]Staff [S22]Parallelism Note1 [S23]Note 2 [S24]Parallelism [S25]Use Positive sentences and see their effects.

 نسخه قابل دریافت به فرمت PDF

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نسخه قابل دریافت به فرمت MS -Word 97- 2003

 نسخه قابل دریافت به فرمت PDF

Written by Azadeh.

Today the media portrays young people as lazy and disrespectful.

Do you think this true? Are young people today worse than their parents, or does every new generation get criticized by older people?

Nowadays many media producters [S1] try to magnify juveniles' mistakes and to show them as both lazy and disrespectful generation.

My understanding is that this visualizing is neither true nor fair, for the generation gap causes such prejudice. Although young people behave distinctively in comparison with their parents, it does not really mean they are not respectful or [S2] they do not [S3] their best.[S4] 

That [S5] every generation grows up in a different situation with diverse interests and [S6] with discriminate [S7] attitude [S8] should not be considered as they are [S9] lazy[S10] [S11] . For instance, teenagers like to play with digital games in their spare time these days, which does not need to be active physically, whereas computer games consume mental energy; also [S12] they make players vibrant and conscious because these kinds of games involve young people in many delicate details [S13] and need a huge amount of attention which should be entangled with [S14] simultaneously.

Besides, family environment next to [S15] social circumstance are places where young people are educated and are familiar [S16] with their future position. In fact, young people are real epitome [S17] of parental training[S18] . Whether [S19] they behave badly or indecently[S20]  reflects [S21] their parents and social [S22] defects. For example, when a high school student leans on his parent to be companied at exam night [S23] in order to study all the exam materials, it is a good presentation of how his parents made him dependent child[S24] . Considering all criteria which spoil children behavior [S25] induces individuals to not criticizing the young unfairly[S26] .

To sum up, the media should play a constructive role for new generations' attitude[S27] . Despite of my personal opinion[S28] , even if directors believe that juveniles are lazy and disrespectful, they should not portray these behaviors because these illustrations may be imitated by young children[S29] [S30] . Furthermore, both society and parents are responsible for teaching and training [S31] children physically or mentally. No wonder [S32] why I blame people criticizing the young, as I think their criticisms will point at themselves.

 Note 1: Avoid making mistakes in introductory paragraphs. In other words, try not to have any mistakes in your introduction and to have stronger styles to impress examiner at the beginning

 Note 2: Because of this comma I had to read these two sentences several time to get the point. Be sure that your examiner in the real IELTS test will not read again if your sentences do not sound normally. Punctuation is very important.

 Note 3: Your sentence is the result of your translating Farsi to English. I want to translate it to Farsi as it is. Look!

“… va ba dide tabeez garayaneh nabayad darnazar begirim ke anha tanbal hastand.” A perfect Farsi sentence. This is why I could not understand it.

 Your sentence does not mean. I think you want to say:

Revised:

Every generation grows up in a different situation with diverse interests, and it is not fair to consider young people as lazy due to having just a discriminatory attitude toward them.

Now please translate my sentence. It will not be a good Farsi sentence.

Please write clearly, simple and beautiful not awkwardly.

 Note 4: Parallelism:http://www.bartleby.com/64/2.html

 Note 5: This sentence is completely wrong. Refer to dangling modifiers grammar.

Revised one: Considering all factors affecting children lifestyle world today, one can be persuaded (induced) not to criticize the new generation.

Firstly, criteria can not spoil children. Criteria mean meyarha jahate sanjesh. Induce is an infinitive verb which will be followed by to +verb not ing form. Please ask your teacher regarding dangling modifiers, and present participles. You need to be taught; otherwise, do not use them.

Note 6: A way to deal with questions asked in the topic is to answer them in the conclusion of your essays. Topic asked you “Today the media portray young people as lazy and disrespectful. Do you think this true?” you have not answered it in your essay so it is a good idea to answer it in one sentence in the conclusion. If you read your conclusion, you can find that you have given a piece of advice instead of specifying your position. What you have written is irrelevant and will cause you to lose points.

 A sample which can be a part of your conclusion:

 To sum it up, unfortunately, it is true that most media have an attitude to show the old generation more clever and hard working than the new one, regardless of the differences between their life styles and new technologies which caused new generation to work less and gain more. Then, if our program producers could look at the world today a little bit wiser, they would find out that what we need today is to think, and juveniles are the best choice for today’s needs. Thus, there is no wonder why I do not agree with most media criticizing young people who mostly fit nowadays requirements.

 Study the next page carefully:

1. To join two independent clauses, use a comma followed by a conjunction, a semicolon alone, or a semicolon followed by a sentence modifier.

2. Use commas to bracket nonrestrictive phrases, which are not essential to the sentence's meaning.

3. Do not use commas to bracket phrases that are essential to a sentence's meaning.

4. When beginning a sentence with an introductory phrase or an introductory (dependent) clause, include a comma.

5. To indicate possession, end a singular noun with an apostrophe followed by an "s". Otherwise, the noun's form seems plural.

6. Use proper punctuation to integrate a quotation into a sentence. If the introductory material is an independent clause, add the quotation after a colon. If the introductory material ends in "thinks," "saying," or some other verb indicating expression, use a comma.

7. Make the subject and verb agree with each other, not with a word that comes between them.

8. Be sure that a pronoun, a participial phrase, or an appositive refers clearly to the proper subject.

9. Use parallel construction to make a strong point and create a smooth flow.

10. Use the active voice unless you specifically need to use the passive.

11. Omit unnecessary words. For example:

Original one:  I would like to assert that the author should be considered to be a buffoon. (15 words)

Revised one:  The author is a buffoon. (5 Words)

Original sentence 1- It would be safe to say that Gregor Samsa is not the only character in Franz Kafka's The Metamorphosis to undergo drastic changes.

Revised one:  1- Gregor Samsa is not the only character in Franz Kafka's The Metamorphosis to undergo drastic change.

Original sentence 2- Before going to the supermarket, we made a list of the groceries we needed in order to make the food that we intended to eat for dinner.

Revised one:  2- Before going to the supermarket, we made a list of groceries that we needed to prepare dinner.

Source: http://www.junketstudies.com/rulesofw/

 Regards,

Nima734@yahoo.com

[S1]WW. “producers” Note 1. [S2]“…,or…” comma is missed.“ [S3]…do not do…” you mean? [S4]What is the purpose of this paragraph? I think it should be a part of introductory paragraph. [S5]What do you mean by “that”? what does it mean here? [S6]“, and” Note 2 [S7]“discriminatory” . “discriminate is a verb. [S8]“attitudes” [S9]“ Consider  sth/ sb as” Note 3. [S10]Note 3-revised [S11]It does not mean at all. [S12]By “also” if you mean furthermore you should put a comma after it. [S13]It is better to say” …in many delicate situation virtually… [S14]With what? Incomplete sentence. [S15]WW. “along with” [S16]“…get familiar…” [S17]The is missed [S18]ww. Refer to dictionary. “… of parental education.” [S19] “if” is better. It seems wrong. I think you can not use whether like this. Ask your teacher. [S20]Redundancy. One of them is OK. It is not like Farsi language wordy. [S21]“reflect” . S is extra. [S22]Parallelism. “Societies” is correct. Note 4.  [S23]Exam nights. “night” is countable.[S24]a dependent child. [S25]“behavior” is extra. [S26]Wrong sentence. Note 5. [S27]Attitude is countable in this case. [S28]“Despite my personal opinion,…” “Despite” doesn’t take “of”. Secondly, this sentence is extra I think. [S29]Children are young themselves. Young is extra. [S30]Note 6. [S31]Redundancy.  [S32]It is correct but sounds incomplete. I think it is better to say “Thus, there is no wonder …

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 نسخه قابل دریافت به فرمت PDF

نسخه قابل دریافت به فرمت MS -Word 97- 2003

  Written by Arash

 

Most high level jobs are done by men. Should the government encourage a certain percentage of these jobs to be reserved for women?

Considering the fact that women form half the population of mankind, it seems unjustifiable to let most high level positions capture [S1] by men. To stop this trend [S2] different strategies have been claimed to be effective, [S3] including the strategy of reserving a certain percentage of such jobs for women. However, this policy is still remained [S4] controversial.

Scientists believe that a healthy economy should value workers on the basis of their talents[S5] . Therefore, while a job can be done best by a man, it seems illogical not to choose him because of his gender. If governments dedicate such incentives to women, it will consequently result in a gradual decrease in their competing ability with men on the work market[S6] .

It[S7]  is generally accepted that in developing countries men are in charge of the expenses of their family while, [S8] women are usually responsible for household affairs such as house chores and taking care of the [S9] children[S10] [S11] . In fact[S12]  applying this strategy [S13] in such societies may result in a high level of unemployment rate and a considerable fall in prosperity and welfare[S14] . However, this trend is gradually changing and nowadays we can see many families in which wives are the economically active member [S15] of the family[S16] .

I argue that while we claim that job opportunities should be equally dedicated to both genders,[S17]  we should accept that all discriminations against women should be [S18] vanished in order to prepare adequate facilities for women to progress enough, [S19] so that they can compete with men strongly as highly qualified skilled [S20] workers. In this case we can declare that we have achieved the real equality of men and women.

 

To sum up, it seems to me that this problem should be solved basically. Although reserving a certain percentage of job vacancies for women can apparently solve this problem, it can not be an actual solution of [S21] discrimination against women in the field of [S22] work market.   

Note1:

Dear Arash! To be honest! This is a weak paragraph. You do not have any topic sentence which gives the point of paragraph to readers. Your first sentence of this paragraph is very good as second sentence but not as a topic sentence. Also, you have not supported your idea with example. This paragraph is not well developed.

Note 2:

About the idea presented in this sentence, I personally do not agree with it and I think all people so. Why? Because what you call the role of women in nowadays (simple present tense) developing countries is the faded traditional role of women in families and societies (you should use past tense). In developing countries the role of women has already changed in both the society and family. They no longer work at home like before, bearing and rearing their children. In most developing countries, they play an important role in many social activities as you told in the same paragraph.

Note 3:

Punctuation is very important which you don’t pay attention to. To have a very fast look at punctuation rules, please refer to this site:

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/commas.asp

Dear Arash,

Apart from all above comments, your essay is too long. As I told you before, try to write around 250 to 270 words, and try to support your topic sentences with some examples, which affect your score to a great extent. Totally you write wisely and beautiful and you are supposed to get a good point in a real IELTS examination.

 

Regards,

Nima734@yahoo.com

 [S1]Be captured

 [S2]Comma after trend. Note 3.

 [S3]Extra. Note 3.

 [S4]Remain is Intransitive verb in this case. “…policy still remained…” is correct.

 [S5]Good topic sentence.

 [S6]“…in work markets.” You are talking generally not about a specific market.

 [S7]Topic sentence- Note 1.

 [S8]Comma is extra.

 [S9]“the” is extra.

 [S10]“children bearing and rearing” is stronger.

 [S11]Note 2.

 [S12]“In fact,…” Comma is missed. Note 3.

 [S13]What strategy? In new paragraph please mention it in new words. Not clear for readers.

 [S14]How? Develop it. Give an example.

 [S15]“members” is right.

 [S16]“of the family” is extra. “Which” refers to the “families” before that. Very dangerous mistake.

 [S17]If  “while” means during Comma is extra. Note 3.

 [S18]Vanish is intransitive verb. You can not make passive. “…women should vanish in…”

 [S19]Comma is extra. Note 3.

 [S20]“qualified” is the same as “skilled”. One of them in OK. Redundancy.

 [S21]“ Solution to” is correct. We do not have “solution of”.

“ … women in world markets.”

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نسخه قابل دریافت به فرمت PDF

نسخه قابل دریافت به فرمت MS -Word 97- 2003

Written by Azadeh

Title: Airplanes and our life. 

       Who can really deny the significant impact of airplane [S1] on our life. My understanding is that airplane [S2] as a transportation vehicle has [S3] changed people’s life, inthat [S4] it has brought about many changes in our travel speed, convenience, and goods transportation.
      The[S5]  first and the [S6] formost [S7] reason, the speed of travel in [S8] airplane does not compare [S9] with other conveyances even express trains. For instance, a university professor can leave Tehran at 8 a.m. in order to research [S10] on the south sea species and at noon again fly to Esfehan to teach a university course and then [S11] he can return to Tehran at evening[S12] . [S13] In fact, airplane [S14] can save times [S15] for not only managers or businessman but also for everybody who is under time pressure.[S16] 
        More over[S17] , the more [S18] convenience provided by airplane is undeniable. Airplane has eliminated some adversity of travel in [S19] cars or trains. As a case in point, suffering from fatigue because of seating [S20] in a specific position has been wiped out since transport via airplane prevailed[S21] . Besides, eldely [S22] people and children take advantages from [S23] the comfort of traveling in[S24]  airplane [S25] because they can lean back to their seat and be entertaine with [S26] some accessible [S27] facilities in airplane also [S28] they can have a meal served throughout the air travel.
      The last yet not certainly the least reason to select airplane [S29] as a best [S30] vehicle for transportation is the possibility of conveying trade goods in a huge number or large amount. For examples[S31] , as soon as a good is produce [S32] in a country, it will be available to supply [S33] in other countries; In [S34] other words, essential demands in [S35] medicine or food industries would be satisfied as occasion ariases by use of [S36] airplane[S37] [S38] . 
        In conclusion, with regarding to [S39] all the benefits which change people’s life immensely I exactly chose [S40] aircraft [S41] between other kinds of transportation[S42] .

 

Note 1: " ... traveling by airplanes is not comparable with other conveyances in the term of speed even with express trains which have recorded the speed of higher than 200 kilometer per hour.”does not compare" does not mean what you need". 

Note 2: Revised:

For instance, using airplanes, a university professor is supposed to be able to leave the city of Tehran at 8 a.m. to carry out a research on south sea species and to fly to the city of Esfahan, teaching a university course. Then, he will arrive in Tehran in the evening, spending time with his family. 

___________________________________________________________  

Dear Azadeh,

I love your essay which is very nice and lovely. But you need to be careful about the punctuation and spelling which may cause you to lose scores. I am sure that you know most of them and hopefully you get rid of them by writing more and more.Your essay enjoys a good range of grammar but there is still some inaccuracy in countable and uncountable nouns.

Moreover, try to think in English language, writing in English style. One more thing, try not to have any mistakes in your introduction and have stronger styles to impress examiner at the beginning.

As a last point, you could develop your paragraph better, but firstly try to write with fewer mistakes. I can help you to improve your writing skill. For listening and reading, I can just send you some good tips and then you have to practice and practice on your own and nobody can help you.

Best wishes,

Nima734@yahoo.com  

 [S1]airplane is countable.  [S2]airplane is countable.  [S3]"...airplanes...have..." not "has" [S4]Comma is extra, and "inthat" should be separated.  [S5]between 2 paragraphs put a line space.  [S6]second " the "is extra. “The first and foremost …” is correct. [S7]Spelling. "Foremost" [S8]"travel by" is correct. [S9]Some mistakes.Note1.  [S10]To carry out a research  [S11]"..., then..." Comma is missed.  [S12] "at evening" does not exist. "in the evening" in correct.  [S13]Note 2; revised one  [S14]"S" is missed.  [S15]"S" is extra.  [S16]"...everybody under pressure" you can reduce it.  [S17]Moreover is one word. [S18]“more” is extra. No need. It sounds wrong. [S19]travel by not in. [S20]Misspelled. Sitting is correct.  [S21] I cannot understand what you want to say. Your last sentence I mean.

 [S22] Misspelled- elderly is correct. [S23]It is "take advantage of something" not from something.  [S24]travelling by not in [S25]airplanes. "S" is missed. [S26] "...be entertained by..."  "-ed" is missed. And “by” not “with”.  [S27]available [S28]Punctuation [S29]airplanes.  [S30]"...as the best..."  [S31]"For example" is correct. "s" is extra. [S32]"produced"  [S33]"to supply" is extra. Redundancy. "... will be available in other countries".  [S34]f you use semicolon, no need to start with capital letter.  [S35]demand to not in [S36]"... the use of..." [S37]Sorry, unclear sentence. I could not understand again what you want to say [S38]airplanes are countable. [S39]" with regarding to" does not exist. "regarding " or "with respect to" mean dar khosuse. I think you want to say: " In conclusion, considering all the benefits of traveling by airplanes which have immensely influenced people’s life, I highly prefer to use them rather than other ways of transportation."   [S40]Misspelled; choose [S41]aircraft is countable. [S42]Where is your clincher?

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گام سوم

Written by Arash

Most high level jobs are done by men. Should the government encourage a certain percentage of these jobs to be reserved for women?

Considering the fact that women form half the population of mankind, it seems unjustifiable to let most high level positions capture by men. To stop this trend different strategies have been claimed to be effective, including the strategy of reserving a certain percentage of such jobs for women.However, this policy is still remained controversial(1). 

Scientists believe that a healthy economy should value workers on the basis of their talents. Therefore, while a job can be done best by a man, it seems illogical not to choose him because of his gender. If governments dedicate such incentives to women, it will consequently result in a gradual decrease in their competing ability with men on the work market.

 It is generally accepted that in developing countries men are in charge of the expenses of their family while, women are usually responsible for household affairs such as house chores and taking care of the children. In fact applying this strategy in such societies may result in a high level of unemployment rate and a considerable fall in prosperity and welfare. However, this trend is gradually changing and nowadays we can see many families in which wives are the economically active member of the family. (2)

I argue that while we claim that job opportunities should be equally dedicated to both genders, we should accept that all discriminations against women should be vanished in order to prepare adequate facilities for women to progress enough, so that they can compete with men strongly as highly qualified skilled workers. In this case we can declare that we have achieved the real equality of men and women.

 To sum up, it seems to me that this problem should be solved basically. Although reserving a certain percentage of job vacancies for women can apparently solve this problem, it can not be an actual solution of discrimination against women in the field of work market.  

(1)   This policy still remained controversial.

(2)   …………. economically active members.

 NOTE: this essay is a great one, well done.

Other problems: it’s a long essay, about 330 words instead of 250. The essay focuses on the important subjects related to the topic but it is far and awake better to mention 3 points, issues or sub-topics in INTRODUCTION to develop in BODY.You have set the paragraphs out as required.In my opinion it is band 7.  

Good luck Arash and keep up with the good job.

Mehdi

نسخه قابل دریافت به فرمت PDF

نسخه قابل دریافت به فرمت MS -Word 97- 2003

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گام دوم

Written by Arash

A company in which every employee is made to feel important will run more smoothly and experience greater success than a company that values some employees above others. Discuss.

To determine the most successful management method in companies, controversial findings have been presented in different studies. While some researchers suggest equal valuing of employees in order to raise their sense of self confidence, other surveyors emphasize on Sthe traditional hierarchical method of management to ensure the obedience of employees as an essential requirements.

It is generally believed that successful companies take advantage of happy and satisfied employees. The more an employee is made to feel important, the more satisfied he is. It is clear that a happy and satisfied employee is likely to show more activities leading to higher successes for the company. Moreover, this strategy reduces the work pressure on employees so that let their talents bloom which consequently results in further success and improvements for the company.

It is unjustifiable not to accept that an important person always pursue more important positions by trying his best to raise his ability and performance. In contrary, underestimation of an employee lowers his level of self confidence leading them to a significant lower talent. Therefore, it seems to be wise not to let employees suffer from low levels of self confidence.

Some people argue that enjoying higher success in a company is associated with higher control on employees. Not only a well organized company with a hierarchical system let everybody to try his best to promote to a higher rank, but also it can result in a significant improvement in obedience and loyalty of employees which can be considered as a key factor of success. Although this fact contradicts the hypothesis of dedicating an equal level of importance to every employee, it can be claimed that traditional management system has relied on it heavily and effectively.

In the final analysis it seems to be true that every company should decide its particular policy regarding its type of activity and characters of its employees in order to enjoy further successes and improvements.

Corrected by Nima (Nima734@yahoo.com)

Note 1:

Revised one:

“It is obvious that all employees working for employers who value workers’ efforts and encourage them are always looking for new opportunities to promote by enhancing their abilities.”

Note 2:

Firstly, talent is a natural ability which can not increase or decrease. Secondly, considering that it is right, then what do you mean by significant? I think you want to say: “…which cause them to have considerably a lower output.”

Note 3:

“Therefore, it seems to be wise not to let employees suffer from low levels of self confidence.” This sentence is extra at all. Granting that it is true, then why you write like this? “Therefore, it seems to be wise not to let employees suffer from low levels of self confidence.” Write simply: “Therefore, it is not wise to let employees down by …”

Note 4: Revised one:

Starting with “Not only”, you should use question form for first sentence.

Not only does a well organized company with a hierarchical system let everybody to try his/her best to promote to a higher rank, but it can also result …

I don’t want to teach grammar here due to being time consuming, but to give you some reference on related grammar; I put some good links for you to refer to.

Inversion: refer to:

http://esl.about.com/od/advancedgrammar/a/inversion.htm

Note 5: One of them is OK, heavily or effectively. However, effectively is better. Avoid giving two words with one purpose like these. I think it is a kind of redundancy.

Refer to:

http://www.bartleby.com/64/2.html

Note 6:

In conclusion you should express your final idea. By “In the final analysis…” readers expect to read more analysis, and then he/she will see that you have finished your essay in 2 lines without any further analysis. “To sum it up…” is better.

It is a good essay. But some advice to improve:

1- It is too long essay about 320 words. Try to write 250-270 words for each essay and finish it on time.

2- Good introduction.

3- Arash! Punctuation to which you did not pay enough attention in both your essay and letter is very important.

4- Try to think and write simply.

Take care,

Nima

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گام اول

با تشکر از نیما و ارش

Dear Nima

I am writing this letter to express my gratitude for your great help[S1] .Your suggestion of reading essays of those who are going to sit for[S2]  IELTS and writing comments on them can tremendously promote [S3] the writing ability of IELTS [S4] candidates. I have passed IELTS [S5] general module taking [S6] a band score of 6.5 [S7] and I am going [S8] to pass [S9] IELTS [S10] academic module in June. I am not so [S11] familiar with academic [S12] writing task 1 and task 2. So [S13] It [S14] would be a great pleasure for me if you would send me a few  samples of your writings[S15].I will also [S16] send you some instances of [S17] some writings I have recently written to be checked by you.Thank you in advance.[S18] I look forward to hearing from you.we can communicate via this email address and also by joining the study group which Pegah is going to make.with best wishes and regards

Arash Azar

Note 1: Promote means to raise someone’s position to a higher one in a company. You can “Improve” abilities and skills of somebody. Promote is completely wrong word in this case, which may cause you to lose points. This kind of mistakes is highly dangerous my friend.

Note 2: “Some instance of” is extra my friend A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all details and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell.

Note 3: [S18] You have overused “also”. Please use some other words like “Besides, Apart from that, Moreover, Furthermore, etc.

Note 4: Very Dangerous Mistake! What conditional form is it?

Revised one:

So, it would be a great pleasure for me if you could send me a few samples of your writings.

But a better sentence:

“Thus, I would greatly appreciate it if you could send me a few samples of your essays”. Now it is the conditional type II. Be careful. You may lose a band score for this mistake.

Note 5: You can use “ very” or “ extremely” or “ highly”.

But we have a style like this:

“I was so tired last night that I couldn’t study.”  Your sentence should be completed.

Dear Arash,

No offence my friend. Your writing is very good and you are supposed to get a good point in the real IELTS test, and if you observe just these small grammatical points, you will improve your writing band score sooner than you expect. Although I know that it was not a letter you wanted me to put my comments on, I decided to do because I love this job, and I know that many teachers teaching writing don’t read your writings in this way, or many of them don’t know how to deal with an essay. Moreover, I know that if you start to write a letter or essay, you will be more careful, thus writing with no mistakes. Finally, due to not being written as a letter for the IELTS, I did not judge your letter from coherence and paragraph organization point of view, which are very essential.

Hope you love my comments and share it with other people in your study group,

Be in touch

Nima

 [S1] Assistance is recommended. “Help” as a noun is correct but not very common. [S2]Just for information: “Sit for an examination” is Australian English. British English  says: sit an examination. Both are correct. [S3]“Improve” instead of “Promote”. Note 1. [S4]“The” is missed. “The IELTS” is correct. [S5]“The: is missed again. …the IELTS…  [S6]Before starting the sentence in which you are giving the result by a ground, you should put a comma. “..., taking… [S7]Before an Independent clause which is connected to the previous sentence by a conjunction comma is needed my friend. Before “and, or, …” [S8]“Intend” is better because you have used the structure of “ ..be going to…” before. “…I intend to…” [S9]Use “take” instead of “pass”, “to take an examination”. You used pass in this sentence.Please avoid repeating words and sentence styles. However, both are correct. [S10]The is missed again. You may lose points for repeated mistakes, even if they are very small like this. [S11]Using” So” as “ very” is not formal at all. Note 5. [S12]“The” is missed again. …the academic…. [S13]If you are using so as a conjunction, you should put a comma after it.There are many stronger words than so you can use such as: therefore, thus, etc. “So” is not a very strong word. [S14]“It” is in the middle of sentence, why have you started with capital letter? Be careful my friend. [S15]Dangerous! What conditional form is it? Note 4. [S16]You have used “ also” for several time. Note 3. [S17]“Some instance of” is extra my friend Refer to Note 2. [S18]I know that you did not care about this sentence. I do not put any comments on it.

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